The Art of Squonk (Opinion)

Thu 6 Sep 2018

So, stop what you’re doing, hold the press and let’s all take a moment for the issue that’s, devastatingly, just around the corner… Squonking. Now some of you may not know, or care even, much about ‘The Art of Squonk’. Some, on the other hand, have seen the future and the freedom that comes with it… Well, my friends, that freedom is about to be, viciously and maliciously, taken away, since squonk bottles (above 2ml at least) are AGAINST THE LAW. You know who you are… All you retailers and promoters, thinking you’re big and clever, thinking you’ve beat the system. For the record, it is not a tank, it is a bottle, the TPD should have been clearer! The issue is back inside every which parliament/authority, topic of conversation at the moment and let’s not beat around the bush. They’re mad as hell that people are having the downright audacity to vape recreationally. Bigger clouds, better flavours. People are out there enjoying themselves. Even after that one guy, out of how many billion vapers across the globe, blew half of his face off. Even after we spread the finding of that experiment which proved they’re breathing in less metal particles than if they were standing in the centre of London wearing a gas mask!

I think I’ll reel it in a bit, breathe, try, as best I can, to get back to the point. First, they came for our tanks, which is fine, a lot of them tanks leaked and were always breaking. Then, they came for our nicotine, which… most of us are using less and less these days, but still, we were talking in drops before, now, we’re talking in bottles. Now they’re back for whatever remains… Labels! Turn all the labels grey with a description, nothing else, maybe a couple of pictures of black lungs and flaccid penises, peni?! Those that are not of age would surely be thinking twice about buying… Wait… while we’re at it… Let’s make all of the paraphernalia grey. Which, in some cases, would not be so bad, since half of the stuff on the market looks like it was made by Fisherprice! All costs shall be passed down to the consumer in one way or another until vaping is twice the cost of cigarettes and everybody’s back to smoking ‘analogues’! Vape tax, eradicate flavours full stop… People will be blowing themselves up, left, right and centre, building their own hardware and vaping anything they can get their hands on!

So… erm, Squonking… They’re coming for our squonks! When you’re walking around, carrying a 250ml bottle of your favourite DIY juice in your pocket, you’ll remember this little rant right here and the days you used to give your mod a little squeeze and you’d be good to go again! What they’re really coming for is our right to recreationally chase clouds and flavour because “Them, there, clouds are offensive to my eyes and are the reason there’s no more polar bears in Antartica”! Do yourself a favour, invest in a squonker, get a couple. Because, once they’ve revised the law, that’s it… No more… And don’t believe everybody with their… “squonking’s a fad, just get a dripper,” nonsense! Drip inside, Squonk outside… Say it with me! Drip inside, Squonk outside! Even the tankers, the ones that are curious but far too cautious, this time next year, squonkers will become as obsolete as 6ml tanks, as 72mg nicotine, as… the dinosaurs?! With pre-made coils and tutorials absolutely everywhere, decks are easy enough to build and a hell of a lot cheaper than conventional tanks. (Not to mention how much better your juices taste!) Get them before the TPD get them…

Written by Nik Ward